Dear son
by Sara Kovac
Summary: Carter "writes" a letter to his non-born son. I just felt a bit sentimentalistic. Read and review please!


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters etc. I know you've already read this so I'm not going to make you waste your time.**

**A/N: First of all, thanks for you all for reading my fic. It's my first fanfic in English, since I'm Spanish and English is not my first language, so please excuse my mistakes in grammar, vocabulary and all these things. I have tried to do it as properly as I could but there are still some things I'm not sure that are correct. If you don't understand something just e-mail me! I promise to answer.**

**Well, I think you've already read the summary and you know what's my fic about. I recently watched the episody in which Carter and Kem lose the child they were waiting for and I had this idea. I submitted it in Spanish and now I've challenged myself to translate it into English. In addition, I want you to know I'm NOT a Kem fan at all, I'm only trying to get into Carter's mind and this is what I imagined he could think about. Well, now I have nothing more to say, just enjoy my fic and please review!**

_**DEAR SON**_

Dear son,

I adress to you in this way because I don't know how to call you. We hadn't a certain name for you, I liked George, but your mother didn't share my opinion and calling you like that would be some kind of betrayal to her.

Actually it doesn't mind. Now, because of the ironies of life, we won't have to worry about it. You are not with us. You are not going to come. You have gone before you arrive. I know it wasn't your fault, neither our, they have repeated that so many times... There's nobody to blame, nobody to discharge my feelings against, it was only bad luck, the worst luck that some begginer parents can have.

Now That I thought I had finally overcome my insecurity, that I had found myself in Africa beside the woman I love, your mother, now I'm sinking again, everything is sinking again. Maybe I have a due with someone up in there, something I should have done time ago and I didn't do, something really important for them to take revenge on me in this way. Then I should beg them to send me a sign, to tell me what the hell I'm doing bad, to correct it and make my life go well only for once.

Life... my life, that life which is two days doesn't seem the same, which has put me to so many proofs, is like this kind of entertainment that liftes and liftes you little by little to let you down in a freefall, suddenly, without any warning. It alwais hit you where it hurts the most and when you don't expect it. Unless you won't have to go through this, and this idea should comfort me, but it's not like that. Setting you free from a cruel world doesn't comfort me at all, because I intended to protect you and avoiding it anyway. Well, I know I wouldn't be able to protect you forever, but I would be there to help you, to support you anytime you needed. That's what a father should do, isn't it? Making you stop crying while you were a baby, lifting you up after you first fell by learning to ride a bike, helping you with your homework or holding you up after your first failure with a girl.

You see? In just a moment I've gone through the first fifteen years of your life. I had so many plans to do with you, for your future; I had dreamt so much of all the things we would do togheter... and suddenly nothing, everything falls down like a house of cards when you remove one from the first floor. The card of your birth has been removed and the rest of my life as a father has collapsed.

Taking you in my arms was so hard. It was incredibly hard to say goodbye to yous withouth having met you. Sometimes I think that I preferred not to see you, it was so cruel to hold you and not to be able to do anything... Because of my job I've seen many people shattered by the loss of a son, sometimes as young as you, sometimes even older than me, and I thought I could share their pain. But I was wrong. You never know until it happens to you. And from now I won't look at their faces in the same way as before, I won't be able to stay calm and give them a kleenex when I tell them the terrible news. Perhaps during the first months I won't even stand to hear about that without thinking of you.

I know it can be overcome. Sooner or later it can be overcome. I've talked to people who have already gone through this, like Luka or my father, and I know that one day it all seems to be far and hurts a bit less. But they know too thet in the beginning you can only cry and wonder why, why, why. During much time I won't be able to stop thinking of my son and regret, get furious, rebel against all these events. I will wish day by day to have you with me and to see you grow up, and at the same time I will have to accept you're not here.

I could spent years communicating to you through this letter, telling you everything I feel, everything I won't be able to tell you, giving you the advice I had prepared for the great moments of your life, but I think I should stop.

Well, this was useful to relieve my sadness, to let out all the things I wanted to express: pain, rage, fear. The load I was feeling is now a little lighter and I feel better with myself.

To close, I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I wish you would be very hapy wherever you are.

I love you and I know I will never forget you.

Goodbye.

Your father, John Carter.


End file.
